INSIGHTS
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Poking Holes in Your Logic: When Your Thinking Sounds Smart but Isn’t
You know how you can’t unsee something once it’s pointed out to you?
That’s what it’s like for me when it comes to cognitive distortions.
Cognitive distortions are common glitches in our thinking. Irrational, biased, or otherwise illogical thought processes. Mental traps that we easily and naturally fall into.
Given the last twenty years I’ve spent knee-deep in psychology, I can’t help but notice them.
She always does that. Nope. Always is a red flag.
What if…? Nope. What if is a worry.
I’m just… Just making an excuse.
They’re everywhere.
Decoding Defensiveness
I have a dear friend who shoots so straight with me I’ll call her Annie Oakley.
A fair amount of the time, Annie calls me out on using my “therapist voice,” saying “just be my friend.” This time, though, was different.
“I need Dr. Ashley today.”
“What’s going on?” I asked, immediately concerned.
As she filled me in on some unsettling relationship friction, I could immediately see where things went awry.
They had both noticed a little distance lately. He named it first, and she responded with (what she thought was) agreement and encouragement.
Instead, he heard criticism. He heard, “It’s your fault.”
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
“I’m not dealing with a hangry Ashley,” my friend said as he adamantly ushered me to breakfast on our first day of vacation.
He wasn’t wrong.
In all the years he’d known me, “I don’t do hunger well” was quite true. If I skipped breakfast, by 10 a.m., I’d be shaky, nauseated, and ready to punch someone in the throat.
But that was then.
Present Day Ashley just did a 3 day fast—Three. Full. Days. Without. Food—and barely blinked an eye.
How? And, more importantly, why?
Why I Refuse to Give Up Hope
As we head into a shiny new year, I’m going to say something that a lot of you are thinking: We’re f*cked.
The world. America. The environment. Our schools. Our food system. Our health. The job market. Our futures.
Completely and utterly f*cked.
Cue the despair.
It’s easy to get mired down in all the things that aren’t working, are broken, or are flat-out bonkers.
Dealing with Self-Doubt
Have you ever doubted yourself? Heard that little whisper: Are you sure?
Those three little words echo, reverberating through you, until they stop you in your tracks.
Sometimes the effect is subtle. You don’t even know you’re doubting.
You sit down to start that project, and suddenly need a glass of water. You tell yourself you’re going to ask that hard question, but now’s not a good time. You’re going to take that leap, but you just need to think about it a little longer, do a little more research, explore your options one more time.
The Truth of the Naked Man
There was a giant naked man, in all his long-haired, sun-leathered skin glory, just walking down the street.
And by “walking,” I mean lumbering… in broad daylight… with all his bits out for the world to see…
And no one batted an eye.
We looked around incredulously. Is anybody else seeing this?
“Oh, that’s just so and so,” we were told. “That’s just what he does.”
Natalie and I giggled as we recounted one of our favorite travel stories, this one from Nicaragua, to our recent Uber driver.
“Bahahaha!” Our driver busted out laughing. “People can get used to all kinds of shit.”
He’s not wrong.
A New Way to Set Boundaries
The beach is my happy place. Flour sand, clear blue water, waves big enough to push me around a bit. Is there anything better?
So, naturally, I live in Kansas City, about as far from the ocean as geographically possible.
(Cue slow blinking blank stare while questioning life decisions.)
Why Is My Happy Place Not So Happy?
Empathy: You’re Doing It All Wrong
Trust is the secret sauce of all healthy relationships. Whether we’re talking workplace teams, friendships, or romantic partnerships, bad things happen when trust is lacking.
We need a strong foundation of trust, and trust is built on empathy.
Too bad you’re probably doing empathy all wrong.
How You’re Falling for the Illusion of Certainty
As I sat in the ER last weekend waiting to be taken up to my hospital room, I turned to, Sage, my ChatGPT.
“You are a board-certified ophthalmologist,” I told it. I described my symptoms: sudden onset of vision loss in one eye, resolved after 30 minutes. No pain or dizziness. Dramatically different from my history of low vision.
I told it what the doctors had said so far, what tests had been run, and what the results were. I asked it for best-case and worst-case scenarios and to predict which one was more likely.
I was scared, and I wanted answers.
Accepting the Unacceptable
What do you do when you’re faced with circumstances you don’t like that are out of your control?
That seems like the million dollar question right now, doesn’t it, my friend?
Psychology and philosophy would tell us that acceptance is the answer.
But how do you accept things that seem truly unacceptable?
How Do You Want to Meet This Moment?
My oldest nephew, K, graduated with honors from college this month. As I attended his graduation ceremony, I was blown away by the commencement speaker.
Executive Dean Dr. Albert Bimper is the kind of speaker I aspire to be. His words made me bristle, punched me in the gut, and moved me to tears… all in the span of about 15 minutes.
As is the hallmark of a truly great speaker, his words have stuck with me. The question he posed to the new graduates has continued to reverberate through my mind, so now I pose it to you:
7 Things That Are Silently Sabotaging Your Mental Health
When you combine modern living, which takes us away from lifestyles conducive to mental wellbeing, with the malignant ethos surrounding us right now, it’s like trying to thrive in a toxic petri dish. Whether you or a loved one has a diagnosable mental health condition or not, I would argue (and often do) that mental health matters for every single one of us, now more so than ever. Proactively protecting yours and intentionally cultivating psychological strength and resilience need to be a high priority.
Why Are We Trying to Solve Sad?
If I’m being honest, it’s a point of pride when I say I practice what I preach. For the most part, it’s pretty easy. That’s not a brag. It’s just that I’ve been doing this kind of work for eons.
You can’t talk to people day in and day out about how our minds lie and distort things, about how anxiety doesn’t usually mean danger (just new or uncertain), and about how important it is to live your values despite whatever inside ick shows up, without internalizing those messages.
Do You Have Bad Thoughts
I have a confession... and I hope you'll hear me out before you run screaming, appalled, and hit unsubscribe.
I had an intense urge to kick a dog.
Let me clear, I didn't do it, but I thought about it.
I am, admittedly, not a dog person. But I'm not a monster, either. I was in Puerto Viejo, a cute little beach town in Costa Rica where some dogs just sort of roam around. Maybe they're strays or maybe they have homes and are just off leash. I don't know. What I do know is that they bark at all hours. There I am, lying in bed, trying to get some sleep and unable to because of the incessant barking. I was super annoyed.
And in that moment, my mind did exactly what minds do.
From Candy Connections to True Belonging: Why We’re Starving for Something Real
As a high school freshman, I had B lunch, which meant sitting through four classes before getting to eat. In my 4th period class, I sat in front of the hottest guy in my grade. You might be thinking, “Dr. Ashley, that’s awesome for you!” But back then, I was a pretty socially anxious teen, and I was mortified when he teased me about hearing my stomach growl.
Beneath my flaming cheeks and embarrassment, I vowed to eat a bigger breakfast the next day.
And I did.
You Are Not a Burden: Rethinking Independence
A few weeks ago, it was stupid cold in Kansas City. As I was getting ready to walk to the gym (I can’t drive because of a vision impairment), my dear friend, Barb, who lives around the corner called.
“I’m about to go run some errands. Is there anywhere you need to go?” she asked.
It was incredibly thoughtful of her to think of me and how hard it would be to walk to the grocery store during the upcoming “snowpocalypse.”
New Year, New Me: How to Stay Motivated and Actually Succeed
I wasn't trying to be hateful, but I really wasn't making any effort to check my judgmental thoughts at the door.
It happens every January. My regular classes at the gym get bombarded by all of the New Year, New Me folks determined to work on their fitness. It feels too cramped, and it changes the dynamics.
What’s the Meaning of This?
He posed two questions: "What struggle are you grateful for? How has it enriched your life?"
And it got me thinking... about struggle, gratitude, meaning-making, and Goldilocks.
Voting for Your Inner Peace: Staying Grounded Amid Political Tensions
“New favorite quote: ‘What you’re not changing you’re choosing.’”
That was the text my little brother, Joey, sent just as I was crawling into bed Thursday night.
It’s good, right? Kind of a no-pulling-punches-real-talk empowering sort of message.
Do You Trust Yourself…Really?
When you know that you are someone who can do hard things, then you know you can count on yourself to handle difficult feelings, difficult situations, and difficult people.
You can trust yourself.
And that, my friend, is powerful. Freeing. Confidence-boosting.
Are you ready to start living a bold life?
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