Do You Trust Yourself…Really?

To say I’ve been trying to figure out confidence since junior high is not an exaggeration. As a socially anxious teen, I wanted to fit in, to be popular. I wanted that little voice that said, “You’re not as good as them” to be wrong.

I wanted to be confident.

So much so that I ordered a book from the advertisements in the back of the YM magazine that I dutifully read every month. The book guaranteed to help you be cool, to be the girl everyone liked and every guy wanted to date. I hid the book in the bottom of my dresser drawer and secretly poured over the pages.

Unsurprisingly, that book did not hold the answers I was seeking.

Over the years, I’ve certainly found the confidence that Teenage Ashley longed for, but the details of that journey are for another day. Right now, I want to distill it down to my current conclusion: Confidence stems from trust.

After decades of both formal and informal study and experimentation, I truly believe that confidence boils down to trust. Trust that others will respond positively if you show them your true self and trust in yourself, in your ability to handle whatever life throws at you.

It is this second piece that we’re going to focus on today.

The Foundation of Any Strong Relationship

Trust is the firm belief in someone’s ability, honesty, reliability, and strength. It’s a deep knowing that you can believe what they say, that you can count on their words and actions being congruent, that you can depend on them to have your best interests at heart and to show up when you need them or when they say they will. Trust is the bedrock of any strong relationship.

I mean, what do you really have when you can’t trust someone, whether that’s a friend, your partner, your boss, your child, your congresswoman, your doctor, whoever? You have doubt. Fear. Uncertainty. Skepticism. Disappointment. Hurt.

Trust is something that is built – or broken – through repeated experience. Trust is strengthened every time words and actions match, every time you feel “I’ve got you” from them, every time you see the integrity of their decisions, the consistency of their character.

And trust is eroded with every lie, deception, let down, flaking out, excuse, or disregard for you, regardless of the intention behind it. Good people inadvertently break trust all the time.

While we tend to think about trust a lot when it comes to other people, I think there is a critical question that we aren’t asking… do you trust yourself?

Self-Trust

Over the years, I’ve heard people say something to the effect that the most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. If I’m being honest, though, that hasn’t always resonated with me. I haven’t been someone to talk to myself in the mirror or really get into affirmations. I think a lot about the kind of person I want to be – who I am and what I stand for – but not so much about my relationship with myself. 

Lately, as I’ve increasingly thought about confidence and how trust underpins it, I have come to reconsider, and I repeat: Do you trust yourself?

Can you?

In your experiences with yourself, have you shown yourself to be dependable? Reliable? Truthful? Strong?

When you tell yourself that you are or aren’t going to something, do you believe it? Or, deep down, do you know that you’ll fall into excuses and not follow through?

Do you trust yourself to know what you’re feeling, what you need, and what you want? Or do you gaslight yourself? You’re fine. That’s not really what you want. You shouldn’t feel that way.

Do you trust yourself to honor those wants and needs? Have you historically been able to take care of you, to have your own back, or have you suppressed or overridden those wants and needs in the interest of taking care of others or not rocking the boat?

Do you trust yourself to make the right decisions for you, or do you doubt, question, or silence that inner wisdom, relying, instead, on well-intentioned but potentially misguided direction from others?

Is it because, deep down, you’re not sure you can weather the storm?

When push comes to shove and life gets hard, do you know in your bones that you can handle it? That you are capable and strong enough to ride through the worst of it and rise again on the other side? Do you trust yourself to be kind and supportive, to act in an “I’ve got you” kind of way?

Building Self-Trust

There have been several points during the past year when I have felt more anxious than usual or when I have crashed into vulnerability, self-doubt, and smallness – what I am learning is part of my process when it comes to chasing big goals and truly living my values.

When those moments show up, I lean heavily on trust. I trust that Future Ashley will be able to handle whatever is thrown at her. And that’s not blind optimism. That self-trust has been built on the past. Time and time again, Past Ashley was able to demonstrate reliability, dependability, strength, and capability. By following through, by doing the work, by self-reflecting to develop self-knowledge, by tuning in and listening to inner wisdom, by cultivating the courage to honor it, and by being compassionately honest with myself, I have shown me that I can count on me. 

And that is huge.

It allows me to recognize that when I feel anxious or vulnerable because I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone, it’s not because something bad is necessarily going to happen. I don't have to retreat. I can press forward. It doesn’t erase the inside ick, but it does make it easier to bear. That deep trust gives me something to hold on to in the face of uncertainty. I don’t know how things will turn out. I do, however, believe that I can count on myself to get through it.

Do you?

For years, I’ve told my patients that any form or flavor of anxiety essentially boils down to two things: an overestimation of threat and an underestimation of one’s ability to cope. In other words, anxiety says that bad things are going to happen and you can’t handle it.

We often focus on learning how to right-size worry, to stop conflating possible with probable. Yes, bad things can and do happen, but not nearly as often as anxiety would have you believe. 

I think that the more important work to be done here, though, is to challenge the notion that you can’t handle it. When you know that you are someone who can do hard things, then you know you can count on yourself to handle difficult feelings, difficult situations, and difficult people.

You can trust yourself.

And that, my friend, is powerful. Freeing. Confidence-boosting.

But talk is cheap.

It is not enough to say, “I can do it” or “I will do it.” You have to show it. Time and time again.

The next time you make a promise to yourself, treat it like you would a promise to someone else. Keep your word. Build trust. Gather experiences that show that you are trustworthy. Test out what it might be like to trust yourself. Start small and build from there. Become someone you can truly depend on, and watch your confidence grow.

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life." 

- Golda Meir